so green

Hi there... just checking in real quick to let y'all know that I'm still breathing and that hopefully will continue to do so for the rest of the week... in case you don't read anything that proves that.

I finished my latin titled fic... and at some point it hit me that I can't leave things like that, I mean, I could, but I won't 'cuz I like to annoy myself that much. It's a TRILOGY peeps... and I'm feeling all Tolkien-like. O.o

Izzy asked me to write her something wherein Dean angsted (yeah, I'm using angst as a verb. Oh if my mother could see me)... and I did it. Not as spectacularly as my aspirations for greatness would have wanted it, but it does the trick (or, y'know, I srsly hope it does the trick), and is important to remind you all that Dean tends to give fits and bitch at me instead of just letting me write him, so I'm fairly proud of my achievement  ::goofy grin::

The best friend's gf has some seriously good ideas when it comes to The Fight Club. I will get to that when time is batting for the home team. Possibly.

Well, this is all. 

::Waves buh bye::

Today I met these twins, named Peter and Anna Jensen, if you put their last name first and go by their initials you’ll get: JP and JA. EK? A woman named Elena Karim from my hometown, whom I just remembered. This amuses me greatly.

Also, the best friend thinks I should explain my tags to people who are not me because they’re a bit confusing. Who else thinks that HE doesn’t get them? Do you get my tags?  

It has come to my attention that my randomness allows me to co-exist with my roommate, and thus is a great feature to have.

I got an offer from my former ballet instructor that I think I might have to turn down, even if it kills me to my un-timed dead. 

Got a bunch of comments to make, got two finals to deal with and zero desire to sit down and study for them, got three plot bunnies begging to be written and posted, mind you. Got legal issues to solve and also, some political rant to get into… and where exactly is the time in which I shall do all this? That is my Very Important Question of the Day.

And cappuccino? Rocks like a rocking thing, I tell ya. Again.

Before I go get my coffee, I’ll give you the lucky lady that somebody (with a very well educated sense of art) bought from my exhibition last month. Enjoy!

Landed safely, after a SIX HOURS delay that had me all squirrmy and annoyed, and Sophie was doing that thing where she is just a brat because she knows that'll get people to notice her, and Jared was sleeping like a baby in the midle of the boarding room, and I truly hate him for that because it left me dealing with Sophie AND dad AND mom, AND ME! not a pretty place to be at I tell ya.

After surviving all that, daddy comes to the airport to pick us up, and Jared and I were siblings again, jumping all over him like two sugar-high puppies. Mom took pictures. The other dad watched. And then, joined the noise, he’s good at that.

Now, I'm all warm and toasty but my ass still hurts and I can't feel my left foot, not good people, I like my left foot!.
Anyway, all the insanity going on around me has sprouted this *need* for porn like you wouldn't belive. So much that I even got this little PWP piece with Max and Alec in it, also there was some Jo/Sam, and I'm fighting real hard this images of a Dean/Ellen pairing, because there's people in this house and I ought to be with them, since I came all the way over here and all to, y'know, *be* with them... not to burn brain cells in hopeless porn bunnies!

The worst part? I still wanna read some Max/Alec, bacause I suck at writing someone else's characters and that one was just a hormons-driven attempt at fanfiction ::shakes head::

Got Josh Groban's "Awake" and I've been tapping my foot to it (the right one, since apparently I lost track of my left foot's whereabouts) for the last four hours, I put it in repeat and I love it, I might go to bed with it too. Hey! I could write some porn to that music, see what comes out.... I wanna get out of my brain, like, right now, its starting to creep me out! Fo' Real.

You wanna know the good part of having a cold? Yeah, I ransacked my brains trying to find that answer too. And I did it!

So you wanna know? I’ll tell ya: Jared getting up in the middle of the night, to drag me out of bed and into the couch where he proceeded to sit and pull me along, helping me to accommodate into a fetal position by his side, resting my head on his shoulder so that I could remain in a semi-upright position that allowed me to breathe while being comfortable enough to actually sleep some. I love my brother so. Damn. Much.

And Sophie, the little sister, got up very early in the morning and found us sleeping like that, so she went to her bed, pulled off the blanket and sheets and covered us all, since she joined us too (only she got to lay fully against Jared because she’s way smaller that me). My mom, of course, took pictures. From different angles. ‘Cuz she’s sappy like that. But still, I love her too for being able to capture a “kodak moment” anytime one falls on her lap.

I also got soup and cocoa tea. I can breath better now, my throat still burns but I don’t have any fever. Been sneezing like I was getting money out of it though, that pretty much annoys me senseless, but at least I’m not coughing my longs out. That’s a good thing, right?

Anyway, to sum this post up: I love my siblings to pieces! And they love me too. Ain’t that sweet?

I just got my new digital camera! Its great and I’m happy. I so have to go torment my brother with it, he’s cute when he’s posing, thing is he knows it, so he doesn’t pose… must plan an evil plan to get him to do it.

Also? One of the pictures in the U’s exhibition was sold! Somebody BOUGHT a picture I took, and that my friends, is a pool of awesome, is the definition of amazing.

Will show you the lucky lady later, when I upload it to my laptop.

YAY!!!!

Memorial’s over, legal rustle’s over, all we have left is some bizarre feeling of hope, at least from this quarter.

Everything was beautiful, we played all the songs he liked and we knew, the priest had this bible passage and for a moment there I actually wished I wasn’t so cynical towards religion. I liked that. So many people attended all of them having met Evan at some point and it made me realize how popular he was, back in school it was always the three of us, however there was always somebody who didn’t belong to our little assembly and yet was welcomed to tourist a little, all of those people dropped by.

Susan, Evan’s big sister, announced that her baby is gonna be named after Evan, and that she had her hopes up for him because if that family had managed to raise an Evan, then her child was coming to a good place. Right about then I started to cry like a freakin’ baby. Max too, although he hid it better than me. And so we cried trough the rest of the ceremony, and suddenly I was standing there, on front of all those persons to say my speech, my legs shook a little and my heart wanted to go live elsewhere, but I held my ground and by the time I was done, all shyness had abandoned Max and he was openly crying. It was beautiful, not his tears, or what I said, but Evan’s mom’s face when she hugged me and told me she loved me so much, and she knew I’d be alright.

Evan always said I was a survivor, today I believe him. I feel empty, I have no more tears to cry, even though I’d cry if I could, I always read about it and honestly didn’t understand it, didn’t know how it was possible that someone ran out of tears, and now that I experience it, its more like I’m so tired of crying that I can’t do it anymore. I think I’m mostly numbed and eventually the whole weight of this will fall and I’m gonna crash and burn a little, or a lot. Don’t know, don’t care, when it happens, it will happen. I’ll deal then. Right now I’m hopeful, because I feel like I can do this, I can survive this; it will take a while to get used to not doing things I used to do for Evan, I might have to relearn how to do things I used to do with him, but ultimately I’ll manage.

I kinda wonder when is it gonna hit me. Maybe when Sunday arrives and I get no phone call from him to check on Max, or maybe next time I eat an apple, and how will that taste? Grainy? Juicier? I have a lot of questions of the like, but I have this answer that works for most of them: Evan has moved on, so should I. So will I.

Today sucks because it’s the first day without Evan, I’m alone now, and I think I could cry some more, don’t want to though, my head aches from all the crying I’ve done. Possibly if Evan were alive I would be on the phone or over at the clinic or annoying Max until he walked me there. Now I’m posting this to do something with my time, so I guess that I’ll figure things out as they come. I’ve never made too many plans for the future and I don’t feel like starting now.

I have all this thoughts on life and mankind and all that stuff, and its not half as bad as I thought it would be. Yesterday I was angry, then I got to cool off (Thanks roguemouse again) and I got to give some perspective to things. They are screwed up beyond repair right now, but I think that’s a good thing, because Evan’s gone, so nothing will ever be the same again, I don’t want them to, so the logical thing would be to adapt to that change, it will be difficult, but I do think I can make it. And I don’t mean it in an automatic kinda way, but actually thinking about what I do, knowing what I do. Its weird, but somehow death has made me think that despite the arbitrary way of life, there are a few things that I can control, like what to do with what I’m handed, what to get out of the experiences I0m put through; I wanna do that. That’s what’s got me so hopeful today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be a heap of clothes on the bathroom floor, crying again, angry again or maybe not. I’m sad, shaken, lethargic, hopeful, and grateful today, and that’s all that matters right now. Today. I'm still due to some crying, just not right now. And I'm fine with that. Wonder if I've become a conformist or something equally annoying to come across.

P.S.: will come back to this and post the speech, because Max convinced me that I had to, because it was part of my promise. But I won’t do it today, gotta wait until is not so personal anymore. Or until Evan’s ghost starts to haunt me and I have no other choice. Whichever comes first.

Yesterday in the middle of the family's TV-time, the Best Friend pops his head through the window and grins at me. My grandpa starts making not so innocent comments about the possible nature of a visit at such an hour (it was eight, but he's old fashioned, what can I do?), so sensing the air shift that indicated the growing need to show to the BF the family's collection of shotguns in a unkindly way, I stepped out to find out what form of torture was he to impose on me this time around... a CD as it turns out to be.

But not a bad one, actually he brought it as a peace offering. Since I've been bitchy and snappy at him since the HTML adventure, he decided he would not wait until things escalated and we ended up not talking to each other at all. The aforementioned peace offering is "A Beautiful Lie" by 30 Seconds to Mars, which means that the BF is automatically forgiven for any past mishaps. Unfortunately it only grants him that, the greedy boy was hoping it would allow him some leeway in the near future, but of course in order to get that he would have gotten me, mm… I don’t know, "V for Vendetta" he knows I've been pinning for that DVD for a while now, but apparently I'm not the only one incapable of dragging my ass to buy it. I know, its mean from me, but its my prerogative, he was mean to me too!

So thought I'd let ya know the highlight first. On the other hand, today I HAVE to go talk to the resident asshole (remember the idiot that nearly fried my laptop?) because my Photoshop ain’t working and I've been stuck with PhotoImpact, which isn’t so bad in itself, but it isn't PSP either, and that is a bad thing. I shoulda known last night, things were about to get ugly... I mean for such a sweet thing as a peace offering to come my way? The universe has got to have nasty plans for me, or else things would go unbalanced and we cannot have that, now can we universe?

That said, I’m off to make some phone calls... I need my dad to explain to me again why I'm not supposed to go killing people, no matter how much I want to ::sight::

Taking a break from bitching at the best friend and decided that in moments like these, Dean is therapeutic. So, went to watch some Supernatural and in the middle of Phantom Traveler (yes I laugh at Dean’s fear of flying) I’m gleefully reminded that this show has the best soundtrack ever. Period. 

There I am, minding someone else’s business, namely Best Friend’s business, and there it is, the Blue’s Brothers scene, where Dean’s bitching about the suit and all I can think of is how cool it is that Black Sabbath’s Paranoid is in the back, because I used to hum that song in math finals!

So the whole point to this post (other than pissing off the computer buddy) was to say that SPN rocks my socks off for more reasons than I can explain, and just when I thought I had it all figured out, something new jumps and I’m left amazed by the ragging awesomeness of this show. That said, I’m off to watch some more Dean, before I kill somebody, because contingency plans for that kind of events were all planned with the deceased wannabe and so, I’ll have no alibi or anything at all to save my ass on some level, thus the assassination cannot take place anytime soon. Damn!

Hey, maybe I could commission Dean and Sam to hunt him down and exorcise him a little… there’s a thought, hmmm.